ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
