I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
