I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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