Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
