i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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