I'm so fucking centered right now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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