onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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