im having a threesome with these popsicles
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
