I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
