Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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