so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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