the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
