MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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