they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
