The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize