The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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