I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
