Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
