i just wanna soil my oats bro
"it" just moved
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
