stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
the liver wants what the liver wants
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Lo siento on account of my penis...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
