Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
