True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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