I'm gonna have a badass scar
She is in my trunk
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
