If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
