The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
