If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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