they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
