I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
