**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
