He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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