I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
