I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
