i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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