Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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