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its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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