my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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