Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
