Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
