I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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