toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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