my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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