Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
