apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
