She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
