i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
