I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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