3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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