Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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