I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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