Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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