I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
