if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
