I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
NoShamevember. You game?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize