found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize