She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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