Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
