i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
