One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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