Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
