the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
