just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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