Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
