I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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