I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
