it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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