I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
