I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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