Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
