so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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